Take the protester quiz — Find out what sort of protester you are!
Ever find yourself in your favorite Starbucks, pretending to write the next great American novel, your beret brashly askance your unkempt swath of dirty blonde hair, slowly sipping an Italian breakfast drink at 9 o’clock at night, when you see a kindred soul saunter in to the local beatnik constabulary? She is beautiful, her dreadlocks hang down to her faux-leather belt holding her knee-less dirty jeans precariously but securely around a waste fueled by tofu and bean-sprouts, the tie-dye shirt she is sporting must be at least 20 years old, its multi-colored swirl a kaleidoscope of communism that draws you in and doesn’t let go – this is the babe for you!
But how to talk to her? You could try and brag about the novel you are working on, but let’s face it, everyone is writing a book in here, and some of them may actually be getting somewhere. You could offer to buy her a drink, but that might backfire – possibly she could lash out in FemiNazi rage and dash any hopes of running your manicured fingers through her tousled and bug-infested hair.
Try this on for size Neil, talk to her about protesting. Its sure to attract a modicum of attention, for she surely is as much a protester as you have ever been. But there is the rub, what kind of protester are you? Well, take this quick quiz and you will have all the ammunition you need to pierce the heart of the exotic you find yourself in the company of. Go ahead, give it a try.
A. I hate America!
- No way! America is the greatest country on earth!
- Sometimes, when I don’t get my way.
- Hell yeah! America is the worst country on earth!
B. I like to throw things and get violent when I don’t get my way!
- Uhh, maybe when I was three.
- Sometimes, when I don’t get my way.
- Hell yeah! Especially when my college team wins an important game.
C. I like to burn the American flag.
- Hell no!
- Sometimes, when I don’t have an Oakland City flag to burn.
- Hell yeah! America is a war-zone, and this is the only way to cleanse the flag.
D. I like to defecate in public.
- Uhh, maybe when I was three months old.
- Sometimes, when you gotta go you gotta go.
- Hell yeah! Taking a dump in full view of my friends is the height of enlightenment.
E. Littering is next to Godliness.
- Uhh, I think you have that phrase a little backwards.
- Sometimes, who can be bothered with finding a trashcan?
- Hell yeah! Trash is a part of life, its all about a circle, with nature, and the Lion King, umm…look, a ukulele!!!
F. I enjoy breaking into private businesses and destroying things.
- Uhh, not really, no.
- Sometimes, like this one time, at band camp.
- Hell yeah! Private ownership of property is bourgeios and must be eliminated at all costs!
G. I enjoy raping women.
- Uhh, what the hell kind of quiz is this?
- Sometimes. Everyone knows “no” means “yes.”
- Hell yeah! Women are just tools to have your way with.
That’s it, you are done! Seven simple questions to determine what kind of protester you are. Now comes the hard part, freaking math. All you gotta do is add all your answers up then reference the chart below, and you will have your answer. If you answered 1. you get -10 points, 2. gets you 5 points, and 3. gets you 100 points.
-70 to -30 – Hmm, you are probably one of those racist, homophobic Islam-hating Tea Partiers, get out of the Starbucks before the tie-dyed girl firebombs your car!
-29 – 0 – Depending on which way you answered, there might be some hope for you, but first you need some training. Go out and pee on a cop-car and maybe rape a few chicks then you might be ready for the big time.
0 – 35 – You’re not really a protester, just a lazy bastard who doesn’t like to work. You might have a shot at this hippy-chick, but you are gonna need to lie better than you did on this quiz.
35- 300 – Way to go! You are in the little big league’s now. You are most likely a WTO protester. This might impress the dreadlocked dream queen depending on her protesting propensities, give it a shot broseph!
300-600 – Now you are big time. Most likely, you are an Arab Spring protester, which makes me wonder what the hell you are doing in a Starbucks in Seattle?
700 – You are the most noble protester in history, an Occupier. Way to go, I bow to your superior wisdom and protesting work ethic. With the backing of such big name gurus like George Soros and Russel Simmons, there is no way this mangy-haired bombshell won’t succumb to your superior name-dropping skills. Of course, if she proves overly-resistant to your superior protesting abilities, just knock her on the head and drag her back to your tent, its okay, laws don’t matter anymore anyway, not to mention, Obama has your back.