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If I were a liberal, what law would I want? Hmm….

October 2, 2010

Too much milk!

Wow, all the possibilities.  Don’t have to worry about the constitution, no worries about opposition (they are all racists anyways), hell don’t even have to worry about congressional rules, my good friend Nancy can work around those.  So what is most important to my new liberal brain?

America needs a law that makes it illegal to charge more for soy milk when ordering from a coffee shop.  I am lactose intolerant, it’s not fair I should have to pay more for something because of my debilitating condition.  You know, since 60% of Americans can not digest lactose, I think it is only socially just that we make the lucky few who can, foot the bill.

Why should we have to subsidize the big soy industry who are only taking advantage of a problem the majority of Americans suffer through each and every day.  This is a tax on the poor!  Fifty cents is a lot of money for someone on minimum wage or welfare.  In fact, the evil coffee corporations are bilking poor Americans who only want the right to drink their espresso drinks without severe gastrointestinal discomfort.

My proposed law is the Government Assistance for Soy Act of 2010, or the GAS act.  In summary it states:

  1. 60% of Americans can not digest lactose, thus requiring soy milk in their coffee drinks.
  2. The lucky 40% who can digest lactose are living of the backs of the oppressed.
  3. It will be illegal to charge more for soy milk than regular milk.
  4. A 10% tax will be added to the purchase of regular milk to help fund the coffee vouchers to our most needy families.
  5. All Americans will be required to carry a card if they can digest lactose, preventing them from ordering soy milk with their coffee drinks and avoiding the tax.
  6. Any coffee drink retailer who willingly sells soy to a registered lactose digester, will be fined $500 for the first offense, and $1000 for each additional offense.

Americans, please come together with me on this important legislation.  We can stop the lucky few lactose digesters from forcing the many to pay for something that is a basic human right.  Please call your representatives and tell them you support the GAS Act.

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